Monday, July 18, 2011
I was walking out to my mailbox last week and thinking. The breeze was beautiful. The barn made my yard look like a scene in a postcard. I walked back to the house the really long way so I could walk past my chickens. Stepping over toys in the driveway, I went back inside. Through that mini walk by myself that I attempt to take every day, I wished that our life was as charmed as it looked.
I wished having lots of space made life easier.
I wished living simply would make the messy parts of life go away.
The truth of the matter is, in the beautiful place, at this precious time, I have never ached for Jesus to come and take us all home as much as I have now. When I was younger, I would pray the night before a chemistry test that Jesus would return before I had to take the test. I was certain I was going to do badly. As much as I studied, I was certain I was going to fail.
That feeling is so familiar right now. I've been struggling. I cannot say what about as sharing it so publicly would be wrong for so many reasons. Those closest to me know, and I have attempted to reach out to the wisest people I know.
I've been finding it difficult to count my blessings when my brain feels overloaded with the problem at hand. One loved one told me when the burden felt so heavy that I needed to set my sights on heaven, and not on the difficulty of this world.
--This week, I'm blessed by the hope of Heaven. It has given me freedom.
--I'm blessed to have the Word of God. Just think about that a moment. Think about it a moment more. The Word of God to help us figure everything out. I'm not trying to be sappy with this. I'm hitting some lows here, and God's Word has cut so deep and healed so much and stretched my faith more than I felt comfortable. It pushed me out of my comfort zone, and into a place of obedience.
Sadly, when do we ever spend significant time reading God's Word...I mean really digging deep. When do we surround ourselves with Greek dictionaries, concordances, believers, and then throw prayer on top of that? At that point, everything that I start reading and praying and calling out for--God answers! All of a sudden, it seems every text I run across speaks straight to my heart. From the Scripture reading at church to the devotional thought on the radio. Suddenly the Holy Spirit's gentle whispers are so clear that you can't even hide from it.
Unfortunately, it's during times of unrest when life is put on hold and we seek God earnestly. I wish it were all the time. I still wish for heaven.
--I'm blessed Knut has been so gentle and understanding as I have frequently started staring into space while I'm supposed to be watching the kids, or washing dishes. I am not lonely. He's so supportive of the direction I'm leaning, but not in a bossy, pushy way. He's been picking up some of my slack as I'm spending more time searching God, meditating with the Holy Spirit and spending time in prayer during this tough time. I hope that when he needs the same from me I'll be there for him to lean on.
--I'm blessed to live in the fellowship of many believers to pray for me and help me discern.
--I'm blessed that God covers me and all of my mistakes.
--I'm blessed that the Creator of the universe...the One who carved the Grand Canyon, the God who designed the peacock, the One who gives the sun its energy...He cares enough for me to convict me of my sin, and dares to make my life messy for His purposes. He never leaves me, knows every fear, has seen every tear fall. He could have ignored me, or left me to the fantasy in my head of what happiness looks like. He is redefining my goals. He takes an interest in me.
--I'm so blessed that God is gentle. I'm so blessed He is patient.
I would love it if you left your "I'm Blessed" post. Sometimes you don't feel blessed until you sit down and study it for a minute. Other times it just bubbles out over everything. Blessings come custom made. How have you been blessed this last week?
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I want you all to know how much participating in this has meant to me, and the emails that I've received communicating how this event has meant so much to various people. I'd also like to tell you that 1/3 of my readers are now from "Top Mommy Blogs" thanks to your consistency in clicking the voting button every day. What a great witness of God's goodness, and an encouragement this can be. So please, if you can't link up, leave a comment. People are reading and being very blessed by it.