Have patience with me. I’m going through some stuff. I don’t mean to be melodramatic, but I have no idea how to sugar coat how hard it’s been.
Like always, I’ll just write my way through it. Many dear friends have been asking how I’ve been doing since David’s new diet that restricts several foods and put my world upside down. I’m not sure how to respond. The rhythm of my day looks kind of like this:
freak out on everyone.
yell at everyone, over everything.
guilt. apologies. numb.
You get the idea.
Last friday, it was chicken butchering day. A team of butchers came out to our farm and Knut and his cousin were busy helping them outside, and I was busy inside with the kids, and swatting the 186 flies that had come into my kitchen the day before as Knut was working on fixing the rotted front door frame, and let a bunch of flies in. All day on Friday, as I went around, swatting flies, my chest just hurt. It was a physical hurt, and one I’m familiar enough to know what it means. It meant my anxiety was not in control, and a panic attack was looming. That made me fear, which made the pain worse. It’s how this whole anxiety cycle works. Some of you know exactly what I mean.
My go-to in managing this chest pain is some medicinal tea which works the majority of the time. I have tried several things, and this is what works. I was drinking cup after cup after cup of this tea and I couldn’t shake it. Swat!! Slap!! Flies were everywhere.