Dependence

IMG_3249There’s a thought that’s been circling around in my head the last few weeks, perhaps longer, about dependence.  I don’t know for sure, but I’d guess this is an especially big problem in America.  I think it’s rooted in the idea of charity or welfare, and our destain for it.  We don’t mind giving charity as long as it’s temporary, with measurable improvement.  We don’t mind welfare as long as we are certain that the recipients are worthy, and it’s temporary.  (Emphasis on “temporary.”)  We want them to be working to get out of welfare.

And yet, this post isn’t about welfare or charity.  Though I could easily follow this rabbit trail for a few thousand words.  This post is about how we let our view of them effect our view of dependence on a very, very personal level.

I was sitting on my porch the other day, looking out over our yard and watching the kids ride bike and chase the dogs.  I was thinking about how I’ve needed God so much these last few years since my car accident.  I’ve been so very dependent.  I haven’t always been able to get food on the table, and God provided.  I didn’t always have childcare for my doctor appointments.  God provided.  Sometimes I would walk into an appointment, not knowing what my kids would do in the waiting room by themselves but I was literally left with no other choice, and one of my friends would be waiting for me there at the office, saying she just felt I needed her that day.

My work ethic, patience, pain tolerance, teaching ability has essentially been broken and I’ve been left with no other choice to depend on God for very, very practical needs.  As my strength has been improving these last months with some physical therapy, and continued treatment, I finally see light at the end of the tunnel that it won’t always be this way.  I will be myself again.

I won’t need God so much.

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Finding Joy

 

I am pretty sure that I said “no” to pretty much all activities this summer to make it free for playing and family time.

IMG_3113 IMG_3121 IMG_3122Then I got fed up with my kids lack of desire to do anything fun besides sit in front of a box with pictures that flash in rapid succession, and we took a June challenge to stay off the computer and television, and you know, do other stuff.

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The Real Mother’s Day

Up until this weekend, the weather has been gorgeous.  Gorgeous weather means that planting runs smoothly.  Planting that is running smoothly means that I don’t get to see my husband much.  He’s been working at least 18 hour days this last week, and though we do talk on the phone and bring food out to him,  our conversations are short an to the point, with several interruptions.  I do what I always do and stay up at night just to see him, and also because I have a tough time going to sleep when he’s not home.  I’ll stay up until 11:30 or whenever he walks through the doors.  I want to give him a kiss, and then go to bed.  He however, the social one of the two of us, has not had many conversations all day.  He’s eager for conversation and listens to too much talk radio in the tractor and loves to tell me all the ways the world is ending.  He is starting to listen to sermons podcasts, and that has been better.  He doesn’t come home angry at the world then.

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Procrastination

Sigh.  I need to do my taxes…at least my portion of the family taxes.  I need to get together my knitting pattern receipts and homeschooling curriculum receipts to Knut.  I need to enter them all into the spreadsheet and get him the exact numbers.  It’s just so… so…

I should make some scones.

I need to call customer service of some company for a particular issue.  I hate calling customer service and getting something straightened out.  It stresses me out.  I hate arguing with people.  I have to prep myself with herbal tea.  And what goes better with a cup of tea but some knitting?

Of course, not knitting that should be getting done.  By the way, how many patterns do I need to finish writing up?  4 was it?  Maybe 5?  Hey look!  Another sock pattern I should knit.  I think I might have yarn for that too.  If the yarn is from my stash that makes it feel much more responsible.

I also have to find some suitcases.  Also, I need to find a better cage for Silje’s pet rabbit before our new chicks come and kick the rabbit out of the brooder where we’ve been keeping her.  I’m sure there was something else I’m supposed to be doing.

I’m sure if I sit here knitting long enough I’ll think of it…